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Clear waters in Jamaica.
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Lapping up island life
Jonathan Smith14/ 5/2008
`YEAH mon!' After three days, the Caribbean sunshine had finally penetrated my English winter tan, soaked through the scalp and injected the patois mantra, `No worries, mon'.
At the time, I was hunched over the side of an infinity swimming pool at a cliffside bar with no money, no clothes - other than the trunks I stood in - and with no means or idea of how to get back to my hotel.
It was, of course, my own fault. The laid back attitude had begun to kick in that morning where I carelessly listened to our guide's instructions and wrongly understood that we would be picked up two hours before.
So, here I was. Above, daredevil divers were plunging 40ft from the tops of trees into a spectacular pirate cove. To my right, a reggae band was whooping up a crowd of excited revellers with covers of classic Bob Marley and Jimmy Cliff. And, on the horizon, a blood orange sun was disappearing into the sea behind a couple of party pleasure cruisers.
But, more importantly, immediately in front of me was a waitress asking if I wanted my third Red Stripe. What else could I say but, `Yeah, mon!'
Ale-quaffing
This was Rick's Cafe in Negril, Jamaica - voted one of the greatest bars in the world- and a long way from the Albion - both the country and my real ale-quaffing local. (I've certainly never been to a pub in England where, after a sun-soaked cruise on a catamaran called the Wild Thing, you're dumped in the ocean and swim ashore to claim your bounty).
However, it wasn't, as I soon discovered, actually that far from where I was staying - just a short trip along the picturesque coastal road.
That was the ocean-side paradise of the Couples Negril - a five-star hotel where every whim and want is taken care of ... and there isn't even a frolicking kid in sight, splashing water onto the poolside tourist sloths.
Its couples-only policy makes it the perfect hideaway for newlyweds and romantic partners and plenty take the chance to take their marriage vows on the idyllic palm beach.
As a singleton with special dispensation, I was probably a little more energetic than the average guest, taking advantage of the water skiing in the hotel's ocean backyard and taking a thorough examination of the rum cocktail list at the pool bar with `dirty bananas' narrowly pipping the classic dacquiris for top honours.
But this was certainly no destination for a Brits abroad boozing tour. The tropical setting was intoxicating in itself and a lazy afternoon on a hammock with a tome of trashy pulp fiction and the occasional dip in the sea is a heavenly way to spend your time.
Ivory beach
For those who still get itchy feet, even when they're on a perfect ivory beach, there's more than enough to do.
Top of the list is a thrilling zip wire adventure across the tree tops. Hanging on for dear life, I criss-crossed the jungle canopy and occasionally opened my eyes to take in the fabulous views across the island.
The final slide was an epic 300ft plunge almost 400ft above a river and, despite, trying to maintain a British stiff upper lip among the whoops and hollers of the typically raucous Americans who joined us in the forest, I couldn't help a small yelp sneaking out halfway across.
For those who prefer their action a little less high-octane, a leisurely horse trot along the coastline is a charming way to take in the vast vistas.
Rhodes Hall Plantation is a quiet oasis where even the animals have a laid-back attitude and on a slow stroll I marched past a couple of crocodiles basking in the rays.
Then it was time to strip down to my trunks as the horses take a dip in the ocean and even take a short swim as the riders lightly relax the reins.
It's a great way to cool off after a sweaty stroll; the only downside is that the horses do what horses do best - and frequently - so there was quickly a few extra goodies bobbing about in the waves to steer clear of.
Fifty miles along the coast from Negril is Jamaica's second city, Montego Bay - or Mobay as it's affectionately known.
Buzzing
Mobay's `Hip Strip' is the buzzing main attraction - a busy street full of vibrant bars and restaurants. It includes the wonderfully-located cliffside Margaritaville, which has its own rooftop slide, slipping 30ft straight into the sea but, unfortunately, an exasperating soundtrack of never-ending Euro-dance dirge. Across the road is the Bobsled Café, owned by a former member of the country's famous Olympic team, made even more well-known by the Hollywood film Cool Runnings.
But, despite the exciting atmosphere, it did feel a little dangerous at times, both night and day, with regular offers of ganja and 'erb. Far more fun was Negril's Jungle nightclub where locals `whine and grind' while tourists can do their best soft shoe shuffle, safe in the knowledge that a sign outside reassures there will be no gigolos, pimping or general misconduct.
Back in Montego Bay, I was staying at the relaxing Rose Hall Resort a short bus ride from the hubbub of the bustling main street but a world away in attitude.
Here, it really is time to take things easy - stretch out on yet another of the island's perfect, private beaches with the odd tumble down the slides in the complex's very own water park.
The hotel is a big hit with golf fans. Its 18-hole course is beautifully crafted - half the holes see you driving into a stunning ocean view while there's a couple of notable landmarks going the other way in Johnny Cash's former Caribbean retreat and a par three with a waterfall featured in James Bond flick Live And Let Die.
In Jamaica, life is as easy and relaxed as you want it to be. And if the chance comes to visit again, I can think of only one reply: `Yeah, mon!'
FACTFILE: Twelve nights in Jamaica with Virgin Holidays costs from £1,661 pp - a recent price based on all-inclusive accommodation, with four nights at Couples Negril, four nights in Couples Swept Away, Falmouth, and four nights at Rose Hall Resort & Country Club, Montego Bay.
Price includes return flights with Virgin Atlantic from Gatwick to Montego Bay and airport transfers and is based on double occupancy. To book, visit virginholidays.co.uk or contact Virgin Holidays on 0844 5573 859.
Holiday Extras offer accommodation at the Gatwick Arora International Hotel from £62.50 for room only or £125.50 with up to 15 days parking. Visit holidayextras.co.uk/airport- hotels or call Holiday Extras on 0871 360 2186. Wild Thing Watersports Negril: wildthingwatersports negril.com. The Sunset Cruise to Rick's Café departs daily at 4pm, 50 US dollars pp.
Chukka Caribbean Adventures: chukkacaribbean.com. The three-hour canopy tour costs 88 US dollars pp.
Rhodes Hall Plantation: rhodesresort.com. Horse riding costs 60 US dollars. For information on visiting Jamaica, see visitjamaica.com.
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